Never knew i would fall into these two categories. I was always a bubbly little girl even until the early days of high school, never have i imagined to be anxious and depressed until i turned 16, and it continues until now. First I stress out on unnecessary thoughts, then it ball up to anxiety, and finally depression curl up. It's a mental health, and no that doesn't mean i lost my sanity or im suddenly crazy. You see, how is that possible that physical health worries people but mental health scares them. Mental health is severe, it could have affected your physical health.
Anxiety. A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks. In my case, it's hard to find the roots to anxiety, sometimes it came and simply triggers the uneasiness feelings, where I can't explain why i feel this certain way and it continues by ruining my daily routine. I can't sleep, i can't sit still, feeling suffocated, i don't feel like talking to anyone i know near me, i can't simply express words and thoughts properly,i lost focus in class, i don't know what i learn in class (even the simplest matter). All i want to do is to be isolated from the world, from everyone. I just want to hide my fear away and never talk. Those feelings won't wash away by themselves unless you deal with it, you do something with it. For me, i have always been confused with how it attacked me, but i know i need to find the roots, at least closest to why i feel stressed out until i isolate myself from the world. After solving my problems, suddenly depression came. I will feel depressed because i did not handle my anxiety well and chose to run away from it to be okay. Feeling depressed in a couple of weeks, one to two weeks. This is how it usually run. I will blame myself for letting anxiety conquer me and wishing i could be stronger. Feeling depressed cause i was always stubborn to reach out for help ; both modern and traditional, both involving science and spiritual beliefs. Feeling sad that i can't progress in the same pace as my friends when it comes to education.
During the depression mode, at some point, i will pick myself up, my faith usually save me. Because i believe if we fall, we are responsible to get back up on our knees. I will whisper to myself, to my own thoughts, a voice saying that this is just a test, a test that god wants to see how far you can go before returning to him. My heart will beat with a saying that this universe is so huge that a lot of people suffer too, we all suffer in different ways. Be strong for yourself, be grateful that you believe in your religion, be grateful that you have a supportive family, be grateful that you still have a shelter. Gradually all these thought will save me, because no one knows,in no time they could be taken away from you, lord knows.
But the conclusion is, i am not sure when this struggle will end. I want to be free from anxiety . I want to be independent, i want to see myself stable under pressure. I need to be wiser in decision making, i have to trust myself that i am good at something, and i just hope that the patience i have now is sufficient enough to keep me going. In the future, in hope that i make it, i will look back at this post, smiling and wishing to help out to those who still suffer and share my journey towards certainty. Remember, “Just because I can’t explain the feelings causing my anxiety, doesn’t make them less valid.” — Lauren Elizabeth
Sunday 25 October 2015
Monday 28 September 2015
Living with anxiety
Life is for the living, but mine is living with anxiety. Do you realise how easy it was when we were kids? Everything seemed so smooth and well planned, but as we grow, we understand life has a meaning with the amount of efforts we put in. In my journey, I stumbled across anxiety, and the battle has long started.
Let's go to the phase where we feel worthless. Worthless because we never finish what we started, we give up before we try and we never solve our problems. These thoughts, they do come and pass by sometimes. They came and visit us to see how strong we are. In my religion, this could be considered a test, god is giving signals to turn back to him, he wants to see if this chosen one could get up and pray harder or fall apart and turn away from his beliefs. In this moment, we need to pause and reflect. Just stop for a while and think for yourself, is giving up really an option? or is it just a path to run away from the solutions? It's hard, I know it is, I've been there, and still am struggling, the hardest part is, no one understands what I am going through, this battle, as lonely as it feels, as tough as it is for me, I know Im not alone, I know because I reached out for help. Honestly, writing is meditating for me. When I write, I reflect. Reflection upon my journey will be reached out to my readers, might as well for those who feels alone in battling with anxiety.
I have always wished to be normal, normal here means to live without the fear of facing anxiety. I am currently reading a book by Rollo May "The meaning of anxiety" and hoping this book will be able to surpass the confusion and fear I have upon facing anxiety. It's even harder for me when the ones you trust the most demotivate you. I have not find a proper solution to this battle, but I want you to know that you are not alone. If possible, do reach out for help, fix your relationship with god, pray a little harder. These baby steps could at least help you to lower down your anxiety. I have always been a stubborn girl to not seek for help. Isolating myself has been a common action upon this battle. Sometimes it's full of rage and Im upset that I have to deal with it. I just want to let my family and friends know, this struggle is real, at times, you'll see how bad I fall, how stubborn and stupid I am, and you might think Im just letting my feelings and emotions control me, but it's beyond that, you don't understand what it's like to live with what has been a part of you.
A close friend of mine said "Everyone has their own battles, just because yours is different than theirs, doesn't mean it's silly" Behind those smiles, I know everyone is battling with something, regardless of categories. I know we all have been struggling, and as easy it is for some people to get up, some of us kept on falling. So Im telling myself, to be strong, when anxiety attacks, I need to pause and breathe. I have to reach out for help and to never isolate myself. You don't understand my battle and it really is okay. We live in the century of psychology, but Im going through the age of anxiety.
Let's go to the phase where we feel worthless. Worthless because we never finish what we started, we give up before we try and we never solve our problems. These thoughts, they do come and pass by sometimes. They came and visit us to see how strong we are. In my religion, this could be considered a test, god is giving signals to turn back to him, he wants to see if this chosen one could get up and pray harder or fall apart and turn away from his beliefs. In this moment, we need to pause and reflect. Just stop for a while and think for yourself, is giving up really an option? or is it just a path to run away from the solutions? It's hard, I know it is, I've been there, and still am struggling, the hardest part is, no one understands what I am going through, this battle, as lonely as it feels, as tough as it is for me, I know Im not alone, I know because I reached out for help. Honestly, writing is meditating for me. When I write, I reflect. Reflection upon my journey will be reached out to my readers, might as well for those who feels alone in battling with anxiety.
I have always wished to be normal, normal here means to live without the fear of facing anxiety. I am currently reading a book by Rollo May "The meaning of anxiety" and hoping this book will be able to surpass the confusion and fear I have upon facing anxiety. It's even harder for me when the ones you trust the most demotivate you. I have not find a proper solution to this battle, but I want you to know that you are not alone. If possible, do reach out for help, fix your relationship with god, pray a little harder. These baby steps could at least help you to lower down your anxiety. I have always been a stubborn girl to not seek for help. Isolating myself has been a common action upon this battle. Sometimes it's full of rage and Im upset that I have to deal with it. I just want to let my family and friends know, this struggle is real, at times, you'll see how bad I fall, how stubborn and stupid I am, and you might think Im just letting my feelings and emotions control me, but it's beyond that, you don't understand what it's like to live with what has been a part of you.
A close friend of mine said "Everyone has their own battles, just because yours is different than theirs, doesn't mean it's silly" Behind those smiles, I know everyone is battling with something, regardless of categories. I know we all have been struggling, and as easy it is for some people to get up, some of us kept on falling. So Im telling myself, to be strong, when anxiety attacks, I need to pause and breathe. I have to reach out for help and to never isolate myself. You don't understand my battle and it really is okay. We live in the century of psychology, but Im going through the age of anxiety.
Monday 22 June 2015
Trip to Jordan 2015
9th of June
The following day,we went to a few places such as Tomb of Nabi Yusha',The Dead Sea, Al-Kahf, Downtown Amman and Tomb of Nabi Shuib As.
I never knew about Prophet Yusha' until I went to Jordan, as he is not one of the 25 prophets i learnt back in school. He is a Prophet who was very close to Musa (upon him be peace) and took his place as the leader of the Banis Israil after his death. Prophet Yusha' also prayed to Allah to hold the sun from setting when they were about to take the city of Jerusalem on Friday at Asar time.
The tomb of Nabi Yusha' is situated in the city of Al-Salt
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This is the tomb of Prophet Yusha' (upon him be peace)
The Dead Sea
Then we continued our journey to The Dead Sea, a historic place where Allah punished those who disobeyed Prophet Lut's warning.
It was really hot there, we only spent only around 15 minutes to witness the truth behind the holy Quran. We had to pay around 20 JD per person unless if u're a student studying in Jordan like my sister, you'll get a discount.
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| The Dead Sea- Palestine is said to be across this sea |
Al-Kahf
After the dead sea, we visited Al-Kahf in Amman. Al-kahf itself is one of the surah in our holy Quran,it's about a number of young men seeking for refuge in the cave of Ashabe-Kahf to avoid from being persecuted for their beliefs. They prayed to Allah and found themselves fell asleep for 309 years.
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| In front of the historic cave of Ashabe-Kahf |
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| The tombs |
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| Some artifacts |
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| Inside is the bones from one of the tombs inside the cave |
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| The mosque near Ashabe-Kahf |
I felt so happy after visiting Ashabe-Kahf as it reminds me to be more faithful. It's the truth what Allah said in surah Al-Kahf. No lies but truth. No doubt.
Downtown Amman
We went to downtown Amman to eat and to shop some abayas.
Yassir, the driver suggested this restaurant which has been more than 60 years. We had some arab breads for appetizer, rice and chicken and kinafah sweets for dessert. Then we went shopping.
Tomb of Nabi Shuib As
The last stop for that day was the tomb of Prophet Shuib As (upon him be peace)
10th of June- We took the whole day to rest
11th of June - We went to Umm Qais to visit the Yarmouk battle site, the ruins of the Greek-Roman city of Gadara which lead to a breathtaking view of the Lake of Tiberias and lastly the tombs of Muadh bin Jabal and his son's Abdul Rahman ibn Muadh ibn Jabal (upon them be peace)
Yarmouk battle site - This is one of my favourite place in Jordan. It was so breathtaking and mesmerising. It is also one of the historic place where the great Khalid bin Al-Walid lead the muslim army in the Yarmouk battle.
Yassir, the driver suggested this restaurant which has been more than 60 years. We had some arab breads for appetizer, rice and chicken and kinafah sweets for dessert. Then we went shopping.
Tomb of Nabi Shuib As
The last stop for that day was the tomb of Prophet Shuib As (upon him be peace)
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| Outside the tomb of Prophet Shuib As |
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| In front of the tomb of Prophet Shuib As |
11th of June - We went to Umm Qais to visit the Yarmouk battle site, the ruins of the Greek-Roman city of Gadara which lead to a breathtaking view of the Lake of Tiberias and lastly the tombs of Muadh bin Jabal and his son's Abdul Rahman ibn Muadh ibn Jabal (upon them be peace)
Yarmouk battle site - This is one of my favourite place in Jordan. It was so breathtaking and mesmerising. It is also one of the historic place where the great Khalid bin Al-Walid lead the muslim army in the Yarmouk battle.
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The breathtaking view of Umm Qais |
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| Khalid bin Al-walid's sword monument |
The ruins of the Greek-roman
Our next stop was still close nearby Umm Qais which was the ruins of the Greek-Roman city of Gadara. The view was so beautiful and breathtaking. Here, you are recommended to wear sport shoes because the surface of the hill is rough and full of rocks. You have to pay to see the view, but don't worry it's quite cheap for a view to kill. Our main purpose was to see the Sea of Galilee or also known by the name Lake Tiberias and "Tasik Tobari" in malay. In Islam, I was understood by my sisters' friends which they referred to a hadith by our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who narrated a story about Tamim Ad Dhari. Dajjal questioned Tamim Ad Dhari whether the Sea of Galilee/Lake Tiberias had water or not, once he confirmed yes, Dajjal then replied "Soon it will become dry". Once Lake Tiberias dries up, Prophet Isa will return and kill Dajjal.
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| This is as close as we can get to the view of Lake Tiberias, it lies behind those mountains |
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| This is the roman shops along the cardo |
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| This is the door of the roman's theatre |
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| But it was under construction so we could not get in |
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| This is what the road to the view of Lake Tiberias looks like |
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This is where we stopped to see Lake Tiberias from afar
Tombs of Muadh bin Jabal (upon him be peace) and his son.
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My dad arrived in Jordan at midnight from Mecca. So the next morning we stayed at my sister's place and had an evening walk around Irbid to have some ice creams and coffee. We also walk around to look for dates and nuts.
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| yummy! |
We walked to Arabella mall to buy some abayas, dates and nuts. We bought so many stuffs that we had to take a cab back come. That evening, father went back to Mecca as he has to work on Sunday.
14th of June
Nothing much,just resting for the whole day.
15th of June
I visited Jordan University of Technology and Science (JUST) This is my sister's university where she's taking dentistry. My sister's friend, also her coursemate accompanied me here, her name is Kak Laila, thank you so much for your time, it was a great tour! We went to the lecture hall for medicine students and sat next to Kak Anis. Medicine students are the only ones on campus as the others are on holidays. The lecture for that day was about behavioural change, it was quite logical, but i don't get it when the lecturer starts explaining in arabic.
This is what JUST looks like, i did not take any photos of myself there cause i was quite shy, well i regret it now.
That evening Kak Aliah (my sister's housemate) and Kak Anis brought Anas and i around Irbid to eat crepello. Oh crepello is similar to dip&dip. We bought some syawarma and zinger which is a must have if u're in Jordan told by Kak Anis. Such a sweetheart, thank you for your time Kak Anis and Kak Aliah, i really do appreciate it!
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To my right is Kak Anis and to my left is Kak Aliah :)  Once we got home, we were busy packing and preparing to leave. Our flight is at 2.50am on 15th of June. So I guess that's it from me, thanks for your time, until my next post! |
Sunday 24 May 2015
MUFY Sem 1 Survival Kit
Hey readers, finals is done!
This post is all about surviving MUFY or so called "Monash University Foundation Year" MUFY is all about consistency, if you are very hardworking,determined and focus, you're good enough. Trust me, even if you did not do well for spm, if you are consistent, surely you'll get 4 HDs. Oh by the way that is our grading system from Fail, <50, Pass 50-59, Credits 60-69, Distinction 70-79 and High Distinction 80-100.
So a little bit of story, I am very lazy like there's no space for being hardworking there. So I am screwed la. haha. MUFY is a combination of internal (assignments & assessments) and external (finals) It depends on the subjects you chose. Some is 50%-50%(Economics),30%-70% (Maths) ,70%-30% (usually english) or even 60%-40% (Globalisation). These are my subjects combo, so it differs from one person to another. After orientation, we were given around 2 weeks to add or drop any subjects before making it permanent. So i made a mistake from changing fundamental maths to maths, my course do not require any sort of maths. Im going for Bachelor of Journalism. But i was hungry for knowledge, so i chose maths. Fund maths is spm maths, like form 1-3 plus a bit of form 4+5 maths,yeap not even add maths,okay maybe a tiny bit. So i chose maths cause i got to learn new things which is true. But for assessments, test 1-3 i kept on failing, seriously, not even half of 100. I was late when i changed to maths. The lecturer was very fast when she was teaching, i didn't even finish digesting and she went on teaching other things.
If you are planning to take science, please make sure and consult an advisor whether or not your degree requires any chemistry, trust me guys, chemistry in MUFY, for external is just hard, even if you score 100% for internal, passing is not a guarantee for your external, biology is the easiest in the course followed by physics (my fav during spm)
So please be consistent, i didn't do her homework, so the next day when they were discussing about it, i was so lost. So lessons learnt, do your homework so you can digest what she taught, not went home and slept all day long without feeling guilty. For economics, i aimed D or HD for finals, but i was very lazy, so i screwed my internal, i got very low, less than 50 upon 100. So i thought i could pull off my external, the day before my test for globalisation and economics, oh god it had to be 2 big papers on the same day. I studied globes before so i focused on econs, i read chapter 5 ; Market Structure, but none of it came out you know!! Not even the graphs which i redraw and memorised, when finals came, the answers were simple but the questions were so confusing that i doubt if i could pass,yes i think i might have failed, but i kept on praying. For globes, you just need to focus what Ms Uma said in class (the only globes lecturer) such a sweetheart, i love her too much. Write down all the notes she gave and read the articles which she will give in abundance later on, and highlight all the things she said, once you're home just reread, you will remember for a lifetime.
There will be a placement test for english and maths before you register for the subjects. So in english, what was not fair to me is, the weaker class got an easy-going lecturer,the weaker ones scored their internal without trying so hard. While us, the advanced english class had a strict lecturer, whoever didn't do her homework, surely you'll be marked. My team prepared for a presentation so well and she gave us low marks because of our weak contents. So i did okay-okay only for my internal for english, tho i expected like 65/70. In english, just do the homeworks and be consistent because it carries a lot, 70% to be added to 30% to your external. If your batch is the unlucky ones, your english paper could be really tough! Ours this sem came out about celebrities, oh dear my go-to gossip daily.
For maths, it's even worse, the geniuses were gathered in a class and got the best among the best lecturer, while the weakest were compiled in a class and got the average lecturer, they should have mixed the geniuses and the weakest in a class, then only we can exchange knowledge, knowledge is half a war and very powerful. Thank god, sem 2 is a whole different level.
Don't worry,MUFY is a fun course! You get to mix around with the locals and international students from all over the globe, i have friends from Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Russia, Taiwan, Korea, China, India and lots more! So put aside the racism and be open minded, here no one will be judged from what you wear to where you came from. Because ur friends, if you found the right one will always help you. For me, a night before maths' finals, my friends, Jiawei, Jen, Kok Leong, they all helped me with maths, cause it's my weakest subject, and they are the top scorers for maths. They got an average score of 90++ for their internal! So amazing, and they were so helpful you know, everything that i did not understand, but with their help and explanation, i think i just scored my external. I did everything for external which was a miracle. During my topic tests, i failed. Only until the last topic test, i finally passed. 53. Literally passed, but then when trial maths came in, there it goes, i failed again. But the message here is to never give up! The word "give up" itself sounds stupid. Besides everyone said maths 2 is easier.
I suggest you guys to stay around campus, Sunway offers apartment, which is a minute walk from campus but they don't have air-cond there. Second, Sun-u residence, 5 minutes walk, u can choose if u want to stay in an air-conditioner residence or not. Lastly they have SMR (Sunway Monash Residence),20 minutes walk, it's a bit pricy but also very settle. They said it's ghostly and the internet there sucks, but i don't know cause i am not a resident there. Btw, i stayed in the apartment for the first sem, it started out fine, but when finals came in a month, the aparment got so hot and i kept on waking up at 3am every night sweating, then i had to sleep on the floor, open all the windows and the door. Yeap just to get some air, you can't cook here, neither do in sun-u, but im not sure about SMR. Btw, you can break the rules by just bringin induction cooker, lol we're students we need to save some money sometimes right?!
Btw, around campus, there's endless coffee shops, from selfie coffee to garage 51,there is burger lab,pink house restaurant, rock cafe (i went here countless of times cause it's cheap) So don't worry,if you want to stay near campus, you will survive by eating a lot of food haha.
Join MUFY, with a vow to be consistent, that's all you need to keep on going, any enquiries please leave your comments below :D
This post is all about surviving MUFY or so called "Monash University Foundation Year" MUFY is all about consistency, if you are very hardworking,determined and focus, you're good enough. Trust me, even if you did not do well for spm, if you are consistent, surely you'll get 4 HDs. Oh by the way that is our grading system from Fail, <50, Pass 50-59, Credits 60-69, Distinction 70-79 and High Distinction 80-100.
So a little bit of story, I am very lazy like there's no space for being hardworking there. So I am screwed la. haha. MUFY is a combination of internal (assignments & assessments) and external (finals) It depends on the subjects you chose. Some is 50%-50%(Economics),30%-70% (Maths) ,70%-30% (usually english) or even 60%-40% (Globalisation). These are my subjects combo, so it differs from one person to another. After orientation, we were given around 2 weeks to add or drop any subjects before making it permanent. So i made a mistake from changing fundamental maths to maths, my course do not require any sort of maths. Im going for Bachelor of Journalism. But i was hungry for knowledge, so i chose maths. Fund maths is spm maths, like form 1-3 plus a bit of form 4+5 maths,yeap not even add maths,okay maybe a tiny bit. So i chose maths cause i got to learn new things which is true. But for assessments, test 1-3 i kept on failing, seriously, not even half of 100. I was late when i changed to maths. The lecturer was very fast when she was teaching, i didn't even finish digesting and she went on teaching other things.
If you are planning to take science, please make sure and consult an advisor whether or not your degree requires any chemistry, trust me guys, chemistry in MUFY, for external is just hard, even if you score 100% for internal, passing is not a guarantee for your external, biology is the easiest in the course followed by physics (my fav during spm)
So please be consistent, i didn't do her homework, so the next day when they were discussing about it, i was so lost. So lessons learnt, do your homework so you can digest what she taught, not went home and slept all day long without feeling guilty. For economics, i aimed D or HD for finals, but i was very lazy, so i screwed my internal, i got very low, less than 50 upon 100. So i thought i could pull off my external, the day before my test for globalisation and economics, oh god it had to be 2 big papers on the same day. I studied globes before so i focused on econs, i read chapter 5 ; Market Structure, but none of it came out you know!! Not even the graphs which i redraw and memorised, when finals came, the answers were simple but the questions were so confusing that i doubt if i could pass,yes i think i might have failed, but i kept on praying. For globes, you just need to focus what Ms Uma said in class (the only globes lecturer) such a sweetheart, i love her too much. Write down all the notes she gave and read the articles which she will give in abundance later on, and highlight all the things she said, once you're home just reread, you will remember for a lifetime.
There will be a placement test for english and maths before you register for the subjects. So in english, what was not fair to me is, the weaker class got an easy-going lecturer,the weaker ones scored their internal without trying so hard. While us, the advanced english class had a strict lecturer, whoever didn't do her homework, surely you'll be marked. My team prepared for a presentation so well and she gave us low marks because of our weak contents. So i did okay-okay only for my internal for english, tho i expected like 65/70. In english, just do the homeworks and be consistent because it carries a lot, 70% to be added to 30% to your external. If your batch is the unlucky ones, your english paper could be really tough! Ours this sem came out about celebrities, oh dear my go-to gossip daily.
For maths, it's even worse, the geniuses were gathered in a class and got the best among the best lecturer, while the weakest were compiled in a class and got the average lecturer, they should have mixed the geniuses and the weakest in a class, then only we can exchange knowledge, knowledge is half a war and very powerful. Thank god, sem 2 is a whole different level.
Don't worry,MUFY is a fun course! You get to mix around with the locals and international students from all over the globe, i have friends from Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Russia, Taiwan, Korea, China, India and lots more! So put aside the racism and be open minded, here no one will be judged from what you wear to where you came from. Because ur friends, if you found the right one will always help you. For me, a night before maths' finals, my friends, Jiawei, Jen, Kok Leong, they all helped me with maths, cause it's my weakest subject, and they are the top scorers for maths. They got an average score of 90++ for their internal! So amazing, and they were so helpful you know, everything that i did not understand, but with their help and explanation, i think i just scored my external. I did everything for external which was a miracle. During my topic tests, i failed. Only until the last topic test, i finally passed. 53. Literally passed, but then when trial maths came in, there it goes, i failed again. But the message here is to never give up! The word "give up" itself sounds stupid. Besides everyone said maths 2 is easier.
I suggest you guys to stay around campus, Sunway offers apartment, which is a minute walk from campus but they don't have air-cond there. Second, Sun-u residence, 5 minutes walk, u can choose if u want to stay in an air-conditioner residence or not. Lastly they have SMR (Sunway Monash Residence),20 minutes walk, it's a bit pricy but also very settle. They said it's ghostly and the internet there sucks, but i don't know cause i am not a resident there. Btw, i stayed in the apartment for the first sem, it started out fine, but when finals came in a month, the aparment got so hot and i kept on waking up at 3am every night sweating, then i had to sleep on the floor, open all the windows and the door. Yeap just to get some air, you can't cook here, neither do in sun-u, but im not sure about SMR. Btw, you can break the rules by just bringin induction cooker, lol we're students we need to save some money sometimes right?!
Btw, around campus, there's endless coffee shops, from selfie coffee to garage 51,there is burger lab,pink house restaurant, rock cafe (i went here countless of times cause it's cheap) So don't worry,if you want to stay near campus, you will survive by eating a lot of food haha.
Join MUFY, with a vow to be consistent, that's all you need to keep on going, any enquiries please leave your comments below :D
Friday 17 April 2015
Dear friend, don't you worry
Dearest friend,
Don't be sad that your plans did not go as u expected. I know it hurts that ur first love did not work out, like i said, guys sometimes are bricks u can't break, codes u can't crack. You are so much more than what u think u are now. Surely someone else is looking at you and thought "oh how i wish i have what she has" Remember to always put god first, we are girls, will always be surrounded with our pms and the endless rollercoasters. Heartbreaks? They are meant to teach us a lesson, and if u won't learn from it, it keeps on hitting. You know what u did was the right thing, maybe u are indenial about it, but our decisions in life have always been full of doubts. But if we did not try, then how will we ever know?
Don't worry, be happy. Surely he has a lot going on, but u also need to remember that who is the greatest planner among all? He is, no doubt. If u think ur ex did not put any mercy on you, who is the most merciful after all? He is, Allah, the most forgiving. So give it a try, have a little faith in yourself, be strong, i know u are. Don't let him break you, never let anyone break u. You are not meant to be broken. If he kept on bugging you tho he isn't. I am here for you, will always be. I am a medium he won't be able to bypass. Afterall, who is he really? Does he know what we went through after years of friendship? He is glad that you have someone, someone which is me. Be grateful, we do not know what he went through and we can't kept on judging him.
I have never been this mad over a stranger that had break u my friend. I am seriously mad, how could he say such things about our friendship? Really? He claims he is a joker. I tell you, he is a comedian, he is meant to make the world laugh, and it keeps on playing tho the world is sleeping, who in the right mind will think that the world is at peace? We are humans, full of dramas, if movies are not dramatic enough, our lives surely are. Dear friend, you need to be strong, you have so much ahead of you, your life soon will be colored.
I want you to know that through storms and thunders, i will always look after you, thanks to the advancement of technology, distance isn't felt that far. I want you to fix your nawaitu (intentions), reflect on why u came to study at the first place. Be careful for what u wish for, as it might turn out to be the greatest regrets in ur life. You know my story dear friend, you need to learn from me as well, tho i had never been into a real relationship recently, i know how it feels, i want u to know that i feel u, i hate to see ur heartbreak, as i've been there too.
The hardest part of this is leaving you, or you leaving me, you know we will be in different parts of the world by next year. I can no longer drive to ur place and say "hey im here,get out NOW!!!!" So what i want you to know is, there are people who truly loves you. You know who they are, and i am one of them. Chin up, sometimes u need to trust that time is the best healer, after all, u need patience. Walk with ur head high up but stay humble. Don't you worry, this is life, if it's not dramatic, it would have been so dull. One day you will look back at this moment, and think that "oh i was stupid,well that was funny" Forgive yourself before u forgive others, let go of the pain, it will you let u go too, don't feel bad that i am involved in this, i like it somehow, it gives me a wide view of how weird and odd people could be as sometimes i am odd too.
Dear friend, don't you worry,
I love you,
Sarah.
Don't be sad that your plans did not go as u expected. I know it hurts that ur first love did not work out, like i said, guys sometimes are bricks u can't break, codes u can't crack. You are so much more than what u think u are now. Surely someone else is looking at you and thought "oh how i wish i have what she has" Remember to always put god first, we are girls, will always be surrounded with our pms and the endless rollercoasters. Heartbreaks? They are meant to teach us a lesson, and if u won't learn from it, it keeps on hitting. You know what u did was the right thing, maybe u are indenial about it, but our decisions in life have always been full of doubts. But if we did not try, then how will we ever know?
Don't worry, be happy. Surely he has a lot going on, but u also need to remember that who is the greatest planner among all? He is, no doubt. If u think ur ex did not put any mercy on you, who is the most merciful after all? He is, Allah, the most forgiving. So give it a try, have a little faith in yourself, be strong, i know u are. Don't let him break you, never let anyone break u. You are not meant to be broken. If he kept on bugging you tho he isn't. I am here for you, will always be. I am a medium he won't be able to bypass. Afterall, who is he really? Does he know what we went through after years of friendship? He is glad that you have someone, someone which is me. Be grateful, we do not know what he went through and we can't kept on judging him.
I have never been this mad over a stranger that had break u my friend. I am seriously mad, how could he say such things about our friendship? Really? He claims he is a joker. I tell you, he is a comedian, he is meant to make the world laugh, and it keeps on playing tho the world is sleeping, who in the right mind will think that the world is at peace? We are humans, full of dramas, if movies are not dramatic enough, our lives surely are. Dear friend, you need to be strong, you have so much ahead of you, your life soon will be colored.
I want you to know that through storms and thunders, i will always look after you, thanks to the advancement of technology, distance isn't felt that far. I want you to fix your nawaitu (intentions), reflect on why u came to study at the first place. Be careful for what u wish for, as it might turn out to be the greatest regrets in ur life. You know my story dear friend, you need to learn from me as well, tho i had never been into a real relationship recently, i know how it feels, i want u to know that i feel u, i hate to see ur heartbreak, as i've been there too.
The hardest part of this is leaving you, or you leaving me, you know we will be in different parts of the world by next year. I can no longer drive to ur place and say "hey im here,get out NOW!!!!" So what i want you to know is, there are people who truly loves you. You know who they are, and i am one of them. Chin up, sometimes u need to trust that time is the best healer, after all, u need patience. Walk with ur head high up but stay humble. Don't you worry, this is life, if it's not dramatic, it would have been so dull. One day you will look back at this moment, and think that "oh i was stupid,well that was funny" Forgive yourself before u forgive others, let go of the pain, it will you let u go too, don't feel bad that i am involved in this, i like it somehow, it gives me a wide view of how weird and odd people could be as sometimes i am odd too.
Dear friend, don't you worry,
I love you,
Sarah.
Sunday 12 April 2015
The cure to depression
Depression, have you ever encountered one? Ever seen someone u're closed with going thru this? Well if you know me well, I was one of the victims, badly affected during my spm days. So finally today, I will reveal to you my past. Salted wounds are no longer wounded. It was healed by the grace of god,
History:
History:
I started being so depressed ever since I went to MRSM Jeli, Kelantan. I was from the March intake, the last intake among all. I had a friend from Melawati, she was on the same intake with me. It started out fine you know, I loved it there, people were nice, as 6 months passed by, the teachers started to see me as the future leader of the school, they sent me to various types of camps and programmes all over Malaysia. All over MRSMS, so I was struggling to keep up with my sem 1 pointer, 3.9. It was the best of me.
Suddenly when I came back from the programmes, I really was surprised by how far my classmates already went, everything has been taught and during prep time, I was struggling. Then I slowly started to lose all the confidence in me, I was so good with addmaths, but I turned out to be the weakest, and soon there was election for BWPS (Highest post for students' leaders in school) and LDPS. I did so bad for the BWP interview cause I just got back from a camp. Those who did not perform well for the interview will be automatically chosen as LDP, which is the school's prefects. I hate it, I hate it so much but I can't back down cause it's an automatic system, and the warden was strict enough.
So they came up with some new crazy strict rules, I was elected as the treasurer. I hate the wardens there, they are strict, we are not allowed to bring handphones, we must take the students' phones if we see one. Honestly speaking, I just don't see the relevance of this, cause our seniors, the BWPS locally, and from the other states, they were fake and dishonest, cause they themselves brought their phones and even charged them during meetings. How disrespectful is that. What a bad example they were showing.
So I called my dad one day, crying so bad cause I did not want to go to school, I started skipping classes and one day when everyone was away, I heard voices, voices of students but it wasn't them! It was something supersticious, ghostly. I told my dad about it, my parents and my little brother came from KLIA after sending my sister to study in Jordan. I heard voices that no one else can hear. Before this it was so much worse cause I isolated myself from my roommates, the most supportive I could ever get, Anis, Aini and Soleha,you guys were my blood back then. I love you all, I miss our late night conversations, our food sharing moments and how Anis and Soleha always fought back then. As I was depressed, I didn't speak to them nor did I care.
So my parents thought the kids were bullying me, mentally they did, everywhere I went, there were fake smiles, voices for real saying I'm snobbish, they said Im the teachers' pet and favourites cause I can speak english so well and I represented the school. I hate them, they thought I was stupid but I proved them wrong, they are stupid! Except for those I cared, my roommates, some of my classmates and some of the teachers there.
So my parents transferred me to MRSM Kuala Klawang, Jelebu. I was well known as a freak, there the students were so smart, imagine having to wait for 2 months just to transfer to another school? I had to self-study in a disturbing condition, where I heard voices and I smelled the presence of ghosts, when I went there I was far behind studies and schedules. I didn't even go to class, I stayed in the dorm where it was forbidden, at night when my friends were sleeping, I tried too. But my head were so occupied with voices, voices asking me to kill myself, to harm others, that was why my mom bought me suplements to calm my hormones and nervous system. But of course I skipped them cause I thought I'd be fine without any help.Nope.Totally wrong! Even teacher Alia had to come to my dorm and checked on me personally if I took my pills. Not even her.
So here's the truth to my friends in Kukla, I was a freak cause I could feel something in class, something very disturbing, and I heard voices from the class, that you girls hate me, you girls want me dead, those voices came up from my own head, no one says so, but it just kept on exploding. I know u girls hate me, come on, by the way u girls looked, treated and spoke to me, how could I not noticed? Of course, as I was too sick, I just had to swallow and accepted your deeds, not a good one for sure.
So I got really sick, lost my appetite, didnt take care of my hygiene and I kept on going back home.
It was a bad year, as I let depression controlled me and it was a bad year for my mother as well cause my grandmother fell ill and she had some issues with her siblings and then me. Until the day my grandmother passed away (Al-Fatihah) then only my mom really felt sick of me and she said I could withdraw from MRSM and have it my way. The following year, 2013, my tokwan (grandfather) passed away (Al-fatihah) Those years were where Allah had tested my family greatly.
So I went back to Melawati High School, caught up with my studies, spiritually gained my confidence, went to lots of tuitions and built my wall of iman. Slowly the voices went away, I went to a psychiatrist cause I wanted to know what case I belonged to, it didn't meant I was crazy, if going to a psychiatrist is considered crazy by the society, then the society themselves are ill, mentally. I slowly read the holy quran every day, practice reading al-mulk just like in mrsm, pray even harder.
So Dr Azhar said I had so much in my head, I kept on worrying on things that have not yet come and I kept on saying I cant even if I really can, and I am sick of meeting new people that all I wanted was my PMR life back.
SOLUTIONS:
- NEVER EVER let depression controls you, you can control it!
- Always pray to Allah or god of yours to protect you and your family from any types of sickness, mentally and physically.
- Pray that you are always surrounded by people who are closed to god
- Always have a firm decision about ur life
- You are the one who choose to heal or to fall deeply again
- Believe that you are sick, and you need help
- Trust those who wants to help you
REWARD:
I did succeed, I got 5As during spm, tho I did not go to school for 6 months, still managed to pull in A- for physics and A for Sejarah and English and C+ for bio and chem.
So I did succeed, and those who were laughing and mad at me for being sick, look at me now, I am healthy and I learnt from my worst experience, who knows one day u or ur family or ur kids get into troubles like this? Will u be laughing again? or will you get annoyed? God will test you,
Remember, in Islam, those who Allah pick to go through difficult tests and she or he went through with patience and iman, those are the ones Allah preserve and their sins from the past will be cleared. Allah promised us twice that surely after difficulty comes ease.
WORRY NOT, WE ARE JUST HUMANS, WEAK AND FRAGILE
I want to dedicate this post to my family, especially my parents, my backbone. They are the dearest of all, they always tell me that I can do everything and my father always said " First,we crawl,walk and run" he resembled that life is a process of "step by step". My mother for her tremendous patience of handling me at home, even during the time I was considering to commit suicide, I am sorry ibu, I didn't believed I was ill. I preserve them, they are the ones who will always be there for me, and I swear by blood, I will always be there for them as well, my father always tell me to believe in Allah, as he is the greatest planner among all, he knows what is hidden that I seek. My mother had a lot in mind, but she is just so strong that she didnt want me to see that she was indeed in pain too, my father, worked hard during the year, while he was working I know deep inside he can't stay still, he kept on thinking about me, about how in pain and depressed I was going through.
Through these years, what was so funny was, I had observed those who are fake and real. Even my own family members, said "I felt no pitty on you" in malay, where I heard that during my grandmother's passing. It's okay, you are forgiven. To kukla friends in MRSM who called me with different nicknames, I myself heard that every day, that is why the voices haunt me, of ur words, of ur wisdom that is so shallow, u too, are forgiven. To the teachers who shouted at me, and told me that I am useless. Forgiven. Cause they had no idea what I went through. One day, when they encounter something like this, they will know, how strong I was and I am still strong. Indeed, stronger.
The others are my siblings, Shaza Adrina, Shahirah Hasbullah, Nurinani and Nadias. Yop brought Shaza to see me, but I am sorry Shaza, I was so ill that I could not afford to talk, thank you for cheering me up, I still remember that day u brought us to wwm and we had some hot&roll with Anas as well.
To our ciwa, who is always loved by my mother, thank you for believing in me, thank you for teaching me chemistry and biology and other subjects, thank you for coming to my house. I am dearly sorry that I might had treated u badly, ur patience is rare.
To my siblings,Yop, Angah, Zuhair and Anas. Anas, ur sister is sorry that it happened during UPSR. I am so sorry, so sorry that I was such a troublesome that I made u guys worry that I kept on bugging ibu and ayah, and I am so blessed that u guys understood,
Friends who cherished me during those happy days, disappeared during my darkest days, why? Cause they also had no idea what I went through, Eiman Hazeiq, thank you, you heard me, you know me well enough that you stayed until now, u too are amazing. Some of my efektif friends, if you think you helped me during the days, Thank you, truly.
To my friends Inani and Nadias who came visited me during finals, thank you. Inani I love you forever, Nadia Syahirah u understand me so much cause u've been thru this and Nadia L for ur islamic thoughts and support!
To Teacher Alia, my homeroom mother, I am sorry, I truly am. I caused you too much stressed and I pray that Allah protects you and your family. You deserve to be respected, you are so much more than what you look like, ur husband indeed is a very lucky man. Teacher Alia, this is Sarah, trying to reach out an apology. Same goes to all the teachers that had taught or saw and knew me before, this is for you guys, for your patience, your courage and your dignity. May he, the greatest creator among all, the best planner, the most merciful, the most loving god, hear our prayers and grant us the best heaven, Syurga Firdaus, amin.
I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU SO MUCH, I PRESERVE YOU ALL
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT :
I want to dedicate this post to my family, especially my parents, my backbone. They are the dearest of all, they always tell me that I can do everything and my father always said " First,we crawl,walk and run" he resembled that life is a process of "step by step". My mother for her tremendous patience of handling me at home, even during the time I was considering to commit suicide, I am sorry ibu, I didn't believed I was ill. I preserve them, they are the ones who will always be there for me, and I swear by blood, I will always be there for them as well, my father always tell me to believe in Allah, as he is the greatest planner among all, he knows what is hidden that I seek. My mother had a lot in mind, but she is just so strong that she didnt want me to see that she was indeed in pain too, my father, worked hard during the year, while he was working I know deep inside he can't stay still, he kept on thinking about me, about how in pain and depressed I was going through.
Through these years, what was so funny was, I had observed those who are fake and real. Even my own family members, said "I felt no pitty on you" in malay, where I heard that during my grandmother's passing. It's okay, you are forgiven. To kukla friends in MRSM who called me with different nicknames, I myself heard that every day, that is why the voices haunt me, of ur words, of ur wisdom that is so shallow, u too, are forgiven. To the teachers who shouted at me, and told me that I am useless. Forgiven. Cause they had no idea what I went through. One day, when they encounter something like this, they will know, how strong I was and I am still strong. Indeed, stronger.
The others are my siblings, Shaza Adrina, Shahirah Hasbullah, Nurinani and Nadias. Yop brought Shaza to see me, but I am sorry Shaza, I was so ill that I could not afford to talk, thank you for cheering me up, I still remember that day u brought us to wwm and we had some hot&roll with Anas as well.
To our ciwa, who is always loved by my mother, thank you for believing in me, thank you for teaching me chemistry and biology and other subjects, thank you for coming to my house. I am dearly sorry that I might had treated u badly, ur patience is rare.
To my siblings,Yop, Angah, Zuhair and Anas. Anas, ur sister is sorry that it happened during UPSR. I am so sorry, so sorry that I was such a troublesome that I made u guys worry that I kept on bugging ibu and ayah, and I am so blessed that u guys understood,
Friends who cherished me during those happy days, disappeared during my darkest days, why? Cause they also had no idea what I went through, Eiman Hazeiq, thank you, you heard me, you know me well enough that you stayed until now, u too are amazing. Some of my efektif friends, if you think you helped me during the days, Thank you, truly.
To my friends Inani and Nadias who came visited me during finals, thank you. Inani I love you forever, Nadia Syahirah u understand me so much cause u've been thru this and Nadia L for ur islamic thoughts and support!
To Teacher Alia, my homeroom mother, I am sorry, I truly am. I caused you too much stressed and I pray that Allah protects you and your family. You deserve to be respected, you are so much more than what you look like, ur husband indeed is a very lucky man. Teacher Alia, this is Sarah, trying to reach out an apology. Same goes to all the teachers that had taught or saw and knew me before, this is for you guys, for your patience, your courage and your dignity. May he, the greatest creator among all, the best planner, the most merciful, the most loving god, hear our prayers and grant us the best heaven, Syurga Firdaus, amin.
I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU SO MUCH, I PRESERVE YOU ALL
Saturday 28 March 2015
The Dreams
Hi, I'm back! So, are you ready for this post? Well basically it's more about me, like never before, the dreams I held, the goals I would like to unlock, a lot of it. Pretty sure you have one too at least, so let's explore mine!
GOALS
- To graduate from MUFY, December 2015
- To pursue my degree in WRITING AND JOURNALISM
- To enter the best school of WRITING/&JOURNALISM
- To get a certificate from a makeup academy
- To work as a part time makeup artist in Mac Cosmetics
A pre-u graduate under MUFY would automatically prioritise Monash University in the first place, so I'm considering Monash University, Caulfield campus ( University in Caulfield East, Victoria) in Australia. Yup, that's the dream, 3 years in Australia. Major in Journalism, minor in writing. But in Monash Malaysia they have major in writing and minor in journalism. It's either Malaysia or Australia.
I am considering Global studies as well, that would be in Monash Clayton, as I'm taking globalisation as one of the subjects here, so I'll see how progressive this subject will bring me. It's very fun learning about the world on a macro scale. BUT, I screwed my first test! Sigh, I wish I took it seriously. I like the idea of 'To travel and write' cause you get to feel the world and see how humans conquer this world by putting different classes of people in divisions, you'll see how cruel humans can be, including us. A lot are being treated with injustice and inequality. The rich gets richer, and the poor? They kept on living, in poverty. This is where writing and journalism interlinks with globalisation. Let's say, I have this dream of going to Bangladesh, maybe with the help of my roommate and some of my bangladeshi friends, to see how the labour there are being treated.
Have you ever heard of child labour? Do you know that the goods and services provided by children are prohibited by the United States?
Well, if you make a deep research about it, there's no such thing as prohibition. Seriously, can you indetifiy goods, whether it's from the hands of a child or by machines? The ugly truth is, these children have no choice. These labours have no right for an increment of wages. They rarely make money for a living. It's not living, it's surviving.
Adidas, Nike? How can they sponsor those who are well known for sports? They sponsored Tiger Woods, but those goods he has been wearing, came from the little hands, the wounded fingers.
John Pilger is one of the most inspiring journalist to me. I watched his videos during glob class.
John Pilger is one of the most inspiring journalist to me. I watched his videos during glob class.
So this little ideas I'm giving you, is the reason why I really want to pursue writing and journalism, to tell the world what my eyes see, what my ears hear and what my heart feels about it.
If you know me, you'll know how passionate I am when it comes to makeup, I just love it, It's the only art Im good at and I really love Mac Cosmetics. So after Im done with MUFY, I would like to earn a makeup certificate from any makeup academy, then only I could work with Mac Cosmetics.
Until my next entry, thanks for reading!
Until my next entry, thanks for reading!
Wednesday 4 March 2015
1001 Happy Days
God, Family, Friends, Cats. These 4 are my sugar to my tea, my creamer to my coffee, my shower gel to my hair. My happiness, my life.
FAMILY
Family is the love of your life. Why? No one will be there as much as your family will. They are eternal. Remember, friends come and go, but your family will always be the roots to a growing tree. They are your water in the desert. So never desert them in exchange to your friends nor your girl/boyfriend. It's not worth it. They will know for sure if you are in trouble, sad or simply just not in the mood, don't believe me? Look at what my father and brother said:-
BELOVED FAMILY
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| Shaza, Yop and Anas. No one can hurt them. I love them too much! They are always there for me, thank you lovelies |
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| Dad sending us to the airport |
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| Fav brothers, feat London eye! |
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| My too smart brother, tho I always annoy him haha still love him! |
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| Birthday man, hehe one big pizza, miss you!! |
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| My backbone! |
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| Ciwa, my comedian, love her too much, |
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| My sister, a wise lady! |
CATS
FEAT DIDI, JOJO AND GREY
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| Didi is sleeping, like always |
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| Grey won't want to meow, he's sick now, get well soon love! |
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| Jojo |
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| and a new family member named Lost |
FRIENDS
U la la, friends are the key to unlock almost anything. I have so many classy friends with real bond. let me list a few below :-
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| Wawa |
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| From left, Amira, Atikah and Irene |
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| Inan |
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| Huzammil |
Yeap, these are my blood friends, I breathe through them
PASSION
If you guys don't know me, well obviously you never knew I'm into makeup so much that I am starting a business for it on any occasions with such reasonable price, so do drop your enquiries here at Saraahsir@gmail.com For free makeup tutorial do visit my youtube channel at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtBugrkybUpyxDDSCq85sjg
My passion got even deeper when the famous Michelle Phan acknowledged me through instagram and twitter!
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| She retweeted me! |
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| A beauty blogger posted this on her wall! |
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| This was the impact of Michelle Phan retweeting one of my tweets! |
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| The first time she noticed me on instagram, she liked and even commented!! |
Where did I learn my passion? By discovering youtube and typed 'Michelle Phan' . That's when my passion started to grow so deep within me, like I really want to be like her, what an inspiration! So slowly, I started collecting a lot of makeups, day by day, month by month and year by year. Suddenly I became a makeup junkie.
I always go to Sephora and Mac cosmetics and asked the makeup artist to do a tutorial on my face for free, tho it has to be just half of the face. But me being me, I kindly asked them to show me the other face, hehe! Hey, I bought a lot of makeups from Mac, I deserve it!
Until my next post readers and lovelies.
Have a splendid day!
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