The cure to depression

Depression, have you ever encountered one? Ever seen someone u're closed with going thru this? Well if you know me well, I was one of the victims, badly affected during my spm days. So finally today, I will reveal to you my past. Salted wounds are no longer wounded. It was healed by the grace of god,

History:

 I started being so depressed ever since I went to MRSM Jeli, Kelantan. I was from the March intake, the last intake among all. I had a friend from Melawati, she was on the same intake with me. It started out fine you know, I loved it there, people were nice, as 6 months passed by, the teachers started to see me as the future leader of the school, they sent me to various types of camps and programmes all over Malaysia. All over MRSMS, so I was struggling to keep up with my sem 1 pointer, 3.9. It was the best of me. 

Suddenly when I came back from the programmes, I really was surprised by how far my classmates already went, everything has been taught and during prep time, I was struggling. Then I slowly started to lose all the confidence in me, I was so good with addmaths, but I turned out to be the weakest, and soon there was election for BWPS (Highest post for students' leaders in school) and LDPS. I did so bad for the BWP interview cause I just got back from a camp. Those who did not perform well for the interview will be automatically chosen as LDP, which is the school's prefects. I hate it, I hate it so much but I can't back down cause it's an automatic system, and the warden was strict enough.

So they came up with some new crazy strict rules, I was elected as the treasurer. I hate the wardens there, they are strict, we are not allowed to bring handphones, we must take the students' phones if we see one. Honestly speaking, I just don't see the relevance of this, cause our seniors, the BWPS locally, and from the other states, they were fake and dishonest, cause they themselves brought their phones and even charged them during meetings. How disrespectful is that. What a bad example they were showing.

So I called my dad one day, crying so bad cause I did not want to go to school, I started skipping classes and one day when everyone was away, I heard voices, voices of students but it wasn't them! It was something supersticious, ghostly. I told my dad about it, my parents and my little brother came from KLIA after sending my sister to study in Jordan. I heard voices that no one else can hear. Before this it was so much worse cause I isolated myself from my roommates, the most supportive I could ever get, Anis, Aini and Soleha,you guys were my blood back then. I love you all, I miss our late night conversations, our food sharing moments and how Anis and Soleha always fought back then. As I was depressed, I didn't speak to them nor did I care.

So my parents thought the kids were bullying me, mentally they did, everywhere I went, there were fake smiles, voices for real saying I'm snobbish, they said Im the teachers' pet and favourites cause I can speak english so well and I represented the school. I hate them, they thought I was stupid but I proved them wrong, they are stupid! Except for those I cared, my roommates, some of my classmates and some of the teachers there.

So my parents transferred me to MRSM Kuala Klawang, Jelebu. I was well known as a freak, there the students were so smart, imagine having to wait for 2 months just to transfer to another school? I had to self-study in a disturbing condition, where I heard voices and I smelled the presence of ghosts, when I went there I was far behind studies and schedules. I didn't even go to class, I stayed in the dorm where it was forbidden, at night when my friends were sleeping, I tried too. But my head were so occupied with voices, voices asking me to kill myself, to harm others, that was why my mom bought me suplements to calm my hormones and nervous system. But of course I skipped them cause I thought I'd be fine without any help.Nope.Totally wrong! Even teacher Alia had to come to my dorm and checked on me personally if I took my pills. Not even her.

So here's the truth to my friends in Kukla, I was a freak cause I could feel something in class, something very disturbing, and I heard voices from the class, that you girls hate me, you girls want me dead, those voices came up from my own head, no one says so, but it just kept on exploding. I know u girls hate me, come on, by the way u girls looked, treated and spoke to me, how could I not noticed? Of course, as I was too sick, I just had to swallow and accepted your deeds, not a good one for sure. 

So I got really sick, lost my appetite, didnt take care of my hygiene and I kept on going back home.

It was a bad year, as I let depression controlled me and it was a bad year for my mother as well cause my grandmother fell ill and she had some issues with her siblings and then me. Until the day my grandmother passed away (Al-Fatihah) then only my mom really felt sick of me and she said I could withdraw from MRSM and have it my way. The following year, 2013, my tokwan (grandfather) passed away (Al-fatihah) Those years were where Allah had tested my family greatly.

So  I went back to Melawati High School, caught up with my studies, spiritually gained my confidence, went to lots of tuitions and built my wall of iman. Slowly the voices went away, I went to a psychiatrist cause I wanted to know what case I belonged to, it didn't meant I was crazy, if going to a psychiatrist is considered crazy by the society, then the society themselves are ill, mentally. I slowly read the holy quran every day, practice reading al-mulk just like in mrsm, pray even harder. 

So Dr Azhar said I had so much in my head, I kept on worrying on things that have not yet come and I kept on saying I cant even if I really can, and I am sick of meeting new people that all I wanted was my PMR life back.

SOLUTIONS: 

• NEVER EVER let depression controls you, you can control it!
• Always pray to Allah or god of yours to protect you and your family from any types of sickness, mentally and physically.
• Pray that you are always surrounded by people who are closed to god
• Always have a firm decision about ur life
• You are the one who choose to heal or to fall deeply again
• Believe that you are sick, and you need help
• Trust those who wants to help you 

REWARD:

I did succeed, I got 5As during spm, tho I did not go to school for 6 months, still managed to pull in A- for physics and A for Sejarah and English and  C+ for bio and chem. 

So I did succeed, and those who were laughing and mad at me for being sick, look at me now, I am healthy and I learnt from my worst experience, who knows one day u or ur family or ur kids get into troubles like this? Will u be laughing again? or will you get annoyed? God will test you,

Remember, in Islam, those who Allah pick to go through difficult tests and she or he went through with patience and iman, those are the ones Allah preserve and their sins from the past will be cleared. Allah promised us twice that surely after difficulty comes ease.

WORRY NOT, WE ARE JUST HUMANS, WEAK AND FRAGILE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT :

 I want to dedicate this post to my family, especially my parents, my backbone. They are the dearest of all, they always tell me that I can do everything and my father always said " First,we crawl,walk and run" he resembled that life is a process of "step by step". My mother for her tremendous patience of handling me at home, even during the time I was considering to commit suicide, I am sorry ibu, I didn't believed I was ill. I preserve them, they are the ones who will always be there for me, and I swear by blood, I will always be there for them as well, my father always tell me to believe in Allah, as he is the greatest planner among all, he knows what is hidden that I seek. My mother had a lot in mind, but she is just so strong that she didnt want me to see that she was indeed in pain too, my father, worked hard during the year, while he was working I know deep inside he can't stay still, he kept on thinking about me, about how in pain and depressed I was going through.

Through these years, what was so funny was, I had observed those who are fake and real. Even my own family members, said "I felt no pitty on you" in malay, where I heard that during my grandmother's passing. It's okay, you are forgiven. To kukla friends in MRSM who called me with different nicknames, I myself heard that every day, that is why the voices haunt me, of ur words, of ur wisdom that is so shallow, u too, are forgiven. To the teachers who shouted at me, and told me that I am useless. Forgiven. Cause they had no idea what I went through. One day, when they encounter something like this, they will know, how strong I was and I am still strong. Indeed, stronger.

The others are my siblings, Shaza Adrina, Shahirah Hasbullah, Nurinani and Nadias. Yop brought Shaza to see me, but I am sorry Shaza, I was so ill that I could not afford to talk, thank you for cheering me up, I still remember that day u brought us to wwm and we had some hot&roll with Anas as well.
To our ciwa, who is always loved by my mother, thank you for believing in me, thank you for teaching me chemistry and biology and other subjects, thank you for coming to my house. I am dearly sorry that I might had treated u badly, ur patience is rare.
To my siblings,Yop, Angah, Zuhair and Anas. Anas, ur sister is sorry that it happened during UPSR. I  am so sorry, so sorry that I was such a troublesome that I made u guys worry that I kept on bugging ibu and ayah, and I am so blessed that u guys understood,

Friends who cherished me during those happy days, disappeared during my darkest days, why? Cause they also had no idea what I went through, Eiman Hazeiq, thank you, you heard me, you know me well enough that you stayed until now, u too are amazing. Some of my efektif friends, if you think you helped me during the days, Thank you, truly.


To my friends Inani and Nadias who came visited me during finals, thank you. Inani I love you forever, Nadia Syahirah u understand me so much cause u've been thru this and Nadia L for ur islamic thoughts and support!

To Teacher Alia, my homeroom mother, I am sorry, I truly am. I caused you too much stressed and I pray that Allah protects you and your family. You deserve to be respected, you are so much more than what you look like, ur husband indeed is a very lucky man. Teacher Alia, this is Sarah, trying to reach out an apology. Same goes to all the teachers that had taught or saw and knew me before, this is for you guys, for your patience, your courage and your dignity. May he, the greatest creator among all, the best planner, the most merciful, the most loving god, hear our prayers and grant us the best heaven, Syurga Firdaus, amin.

I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU SO MUCH, I PRESERVE YOU ALL