Anxiety and Depression

Never knew i would fall into these two categories. I was always a bubbly little girl even until the early days of high school, never have i imagined to be anxious and depressed until i turned 16, and it continues until now. First I stress out on unnecessary thoughts, then it ball up to anxiety, and finally depression curl up. It's a mental health, and no that doesn't mean i lost my sanity or im suddenly crazy. You see, how is that possible that physical health worries people but mental health scares them. Mental health is severe, it could have affected your physical health.

Anxiety. A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks. In my case, it's hard to find the roots to anxiety, sometimes it came and simply triggers the uneasiness feelings, where I can't explain why i feel this certain way and it continues by ruining my daily routine. I can't sleep, i can't sit still, feeling suffocated, i don't feel like talking to anyone i know near me, i can't simply express words and thoughts properly,i lost focus in class, i don't know what i learn in class (even the simplest matter). All i want to do is to be isolated from the world, from everyone. I just want to hide my fear away and never talk. Those feelings won't wash away by themselves unless you deal with it, you do something with it. For me, i have always been confused with how it attacked me, but i know i need to find the roots, at least closest to why i feel stressed out until i isolate myself from the world. After solving my problems, suddenly depression came. I will feel depressed because i did not handle my anxiety well and chose to run away from it to be okay. Feeling depressed in a couple of weeks, one to two weeks. This is how it usually run. I will blame myself for letting anxiety conquer me and wishing i could be stronger. Feeling depressed cause i was always stubborn to reach out for help ; both modern and traditional, both involving science and spiritual beliefs. Feeling sad that i can't progress in the same pace as my friends when it comes to education.

During the depression mode, at some point, i will pick myself up, my faith usually save me. Because i believe if we fall, we are responsible to get back up on our knees. I will whisper to myself, to my own thoughts, a voice saying that this is just a test, a test that god wants to see how far you can go before returning to him. My heart will beat with a saying that this universe is so huge that a lot of people suffer too, we all suffer in different ways. Be strong for yourself, be grateful that you believe in your religion, be grateful that you have a supportive family, be grateful that you still have a shelter. Gradually all these thought will save me, because no one knows,in no time they could be taken away from you, lord knows.

But the conclusion is, i am not sure when this struggle will end. I want to be free from anxiety . I want to be independent, i want to see myself stable under pressure. I need to be wiser in decision making, i have to trust myself that i am good at something, and i just hope that the patience i have now is sufficient enough to keep me going. In the future, in hope that i make it, i will look back at this post, smiling and wishing to help out to those who still suffer and share my journey towards certainty. Remember, “Just because I can’t explain the feelings causing my anxiety, doesn’t make them less valid.” — Lauren Elizabeth