Where to next?

"Sarah, it's the journey that matters, not really the destination". 

This has been my mantra for almost a year now since I've decided to quit my first job simply cause I know what I want (to pursue and stay in the field of psychology). That decision wasn't easy, I was very attached to my first job and I felt lost for the whole year trying to figure out my calling. It's 2022, I'm 26 now and I've come to terms with myself in many aspects of life (e.g. career growth, love life, financial stability, etc). I've learned to lower my expectations from other people and most importantly from myself, of my capabilities and shortcomings, embracing these steps towards the goals I'm working on. Some days, I work on the smaller goals, things like helping my mom in the morning, waking up early, and making breakfast for myself, sometimes for my family. They may seem like a normal daily routine, but on the days where it's tough, they can be impossible to achieve. The bigger goals? Even harder. I find it tough to work on them even when I'm motivated. You see, decision makings are not easy when you battle with conflicting thoughts, when you doubt yourself too much, feeling insecure about the inevitable comparison you make between yourself and your peers. But you know what? The bigger goals are meant to reach their own unique timeline, hence the saying the day you plant your seed is not the day you eat the fruit. We often label success to age, it's so ingrained in us since we're little, even more so as adults. But then again, what are success, love, and stability without contentment? Everyone around us, whether we know them, heard of them, or are purely strangers, battles with something. Now I know, sometimes it's unfair to witness how others have it easy, equipped with better resources at hand. But whether or not we feel grateful for the things we do have, is the real test. The day I learned this is the day where I see and think differently. I realized I can work on my goals, I will reach them with God's grace, but even when I do achieve them, without contentment, I will always question and pinpoint any flaw to discredit myself. So here's what I'm going to do, I will keep embracing this journey, the unknowns will always scare me but I've learned to soldier on and cherish my personal growth. It's still a work in progress, such is life. 

Farewell 2019

Hello, You. *You pun intended*

Here we are, page 365/365 of 2019. Honestly, that was quick! But don’t you think we say this every year haha. How was your year? I hope you had a good one. I personally did not enjoy this year, it's suffice to say that 2019 is just not my year. We all experience this right? One year we had a really good one, the next isn't. Anyway, Im writing this post to reflect on some really good life lessons that I will carry close to my heart.

From the very beginning, I went through a lot of emotional turmoil due to different factors. As a person, I care way too much about my family and close friends. When I see them in pain, I get affected too, especially when you don't have the power to change the situation. The first half of 2019 was tough because it was the start of my final year, I had a busy schedule and the units were not as easy as my previous encounters. I had breakdowns while doing my assignments, I experienced anxiety twice that semester and my performance was greatly impacted. But despite all that, nothing can compare to the disappointment I felt from the ones I love the most. Everyday, the colours fade, there was not a day I went through without hating to be where I was. I used distractions to keep me going but they were not enough, the situation did not get any better. I kept praying to God, desperately wanting a quick fix, so things would fall back to where they belong.

For the second half of the year, things got worse. I experienced my first ever heartbreak and oh my, it was the toughest thing I had to go through, it's a different type of pain, you feel it physically. Truthfully, I never really understood why people sort of change or adopt different behaviours when they got their heart broken until I went through one myself. The first three months of the breakup was THE WORST. The first month broke me to my core, I was not able to see things clearly, wasn't myself for a while. Being on a semester break was both good and bad to the experience. It was good cause I really needed time to pull myself together but it was bad because I had too much free time to entertain all those automatic negative thoughts. I couldn’t thank my parents and close friends enough for their endless support, for always picking up my calls, sobbing hard like I lost a husband. I kept blaming myself for how things turned out. You know why it’s hard? You lost what was once yours, something a part of you for years and suddenly, just like that you lost it all. There were days where I was okay only because I kept myself distracted but most of the days I would have just break into tears, no matter in private or in public. For someone with anxiety, I went through anxiety attacks twice, at the beginning and at the end of the semester, I had to seek for extra help. This went on and off until November where things seem clearer and I was also done with my last semester, I felt lifted, thinking that “Hey, with time, this doesn’t hurt that much anymore, it sure did at first but now it’s bearable”. During that month, hope came and “fixed” the situation but again, it slipped away and I was crushed. Surprisingly I picked up myself faster that time, took me a week to realize that I must trust this journey, that I should not begged for things to stay, I should learn to let go, I should be kinder to myself, allowing a new light to shine upon my self-worth. I also learn that sometimes you should stop explaining yourself or seeking for one, it’s just done. Done. So here I am 5 months later, completely fine, laughing at the thoughts of my ugly cries. It’s true what they say, once you are over it, well at least in the process of moving on, it will be worth it. The pain was worth it. If I didn’t go through this now, at a younger age, I will never know how to fully prepare myself for what the future holds. Moreover, I found myself again through the breakup, there’s just so many things I like about me, so many endless possibilities waiting to be explored! I like myself better.


In conclusion, yesterday’s love is not tomorrow's regret. *You know this if you are a fan of The Script*. Anyway, I really don't regret what we had, in fact I would like to thank this person for being my first love, for teaching me how to love, how to give and many more unspoken words that should be kept the way it is. Happy New Year guys! To 2020!

Much Love,
Sarah

The Love I Deserve

I can safely say after multiple failed attempts of trying to establish a long term relationship; I have finally found the love i deserve.

This is my story, 

Have you ever met that one person, that one special someone, unlike any other you've crossed path with? As this story is mine to tell, i assure you, everyone or at least most of us have. It all began in 2015, when i acquired my first heartbreak. The year i met this beautiful soul was also the year i realised that love is never easy. Love comes with risk, and that is the price you'll bear. Hence the saying "what is love without risk?" "without pain?" "without heartbreaks". Suddenly it all makes sense, it can only make sense when you yourself experience these miseries. Only then you are able to connect the dots, the blurred doted lines of your love life journey. 

When i first met this guy, things were never easy on either of us. Let's just say i met the right guy (i hope) at the wrong time. But i never gave up on him somehow. Have you ever had a rough year? I guess he was having his, but he never once told me about his hardship. I wanted to see the best there was in him but he had his walls that i couldn't climb and i'm telling you, i gave all i had to reach his roof. Somehow, all those repressed emotions backfire. I became that person he hates, the "friend" he couldn't rely on, the person that is better off without him. Never once i thought my presence could harm someone's existence or identity, but he proved me wrong. I was all in all, toxic. 

And i've emphasized earlier on how i never gave up on him. He is my love at first sight. It wasn't that long ago that we had those constant arguments, one fight after another until the bond was lose enough to break. We eventually lost each other, it didn't matter whether we lost ourselves as friends or potential lovers. But all i know was that; we lost what we lost and we both felt it with sorrow. The arguments we had were personal, it isn't fair for him if i choose to disclose on this matter. Anyway, that went on for 3 years. 3 years of fragile communication, 3 years of downs more than ups. Surprisingly, we only saw the silver lining when we thought we're closing the chapter of us. 

The Silver Lining

During the middle to end of 2017, which indicate our full 3 years of "friend-love-hateship", we both were dating someone else. It didn't matter who we dated, but it was a good distraction for both of us. This is not the rebound case, this is the case where we were strong enough to forsake the love we thought we deserve. We both were doing good, it's just that we didn't bother to check on each other. We could still check on our social media platforms for updates but emptiness was greatly felt. All i know is, my heart no longer longs for what it used to desire. Metaphorically, when you no longer water your flowers, they'll wilt and eventually die. Just like how love is, you need to water love with different elements and only then you can love better. 

The Twist

As we were approaching the end of 2017, suddenly things switched. We realised that we miss each other. As we admitted that no one knows him better than i do and no one's presence is as calming as his. But at that time, only distance woke us up, he was approximately 5179 miles away from me, from home. We realised that we aren't happy with who we were with at that moment. We were just too ego to admit the truth. All in a sudden, a casual reply to his story changed us with no hidden agenda or intention of becoming lovers. It was just meant to be. 

Conclusion

We are now going strong, it's beautiful how we bond these days by trusting each other. We ask and never assume. We encourage positive behaviour, we prioritise our family. It took us so much practice, like i said, love at your own risk. Everyone has their own story, but your partner is human too, give him space, let your partner grow for the better of all. At the same time, focus on improving yourself in all aspects of life. 

And to whom i dedicate this post to, i hope you know your worth is beyond measure. I hope you know that you are the best part of us. I hope you know that you are not broken but loved, i hope you know that life comes with different colours, not necessarily navy blue. I hope you know that your colour is green, as your presence is enough to calm my anxiety. I hope you continue learning to love yourself first and then only to love others. Most importantly, i hope you know how much i truly, fiercely, love you. 

If i knew 2016 sooner

The pain of losing certain people is actually a gain 

We all lose people each year. Some connection is cut by death, God knows best. But unfortunately for some, the connection is cut through broken bonds. As time goes by, we learn that some people don't matter anymore cause we rarely matter to them to begin with. It's crucial to know where you stand in someone's life. It takes a good fall to know if we are important to them. We sometimes give more than we receive, it's a good concept. But at times, it could be tiring. Why do we put in so much effort to those who treat us like an option? Don't undervalue your worth, it's time for you to say no. There's nothing better to do than to drop them far from your sight, out of your life. If it hurts, you're doing it right. My dear, your time is too precious, spend it wisely with those who accept you for who you are.

You can conquer the fall 

Personally for me, the past years have always been about my inner struggle with anxiety. At times when i fall, i don't rise, i run. I run and i shut myself from connecting with others. I hate it when people check on me or make an effort to see me. That's selfish i must say, but i learn it the hard way. That when you fall, you have to allow others to help you. You have to let go of yourself trying to control things that you can't. I learn that healing takes time, and you don't have to appear to be strong all the time. Everyone seems calm on the surface, but deep inside, we have no idea how one can suffer from within. Time has definitely made me a better learner. I achieved my goals where once i thought they were impossible. It's true what they say, when we hit rockbottom, there's nothing else we should do besides getting back up again. The rise is a product of several downfalls.

Let the past be the past

This one's a classic, but it's important to connect the dots. To me, the past is unforgiving, it has made me a bitter person. But as i mature, i learn that it is the past that has made me a stronger person and what really matters is where i am now and how far i've come. In this moment, we live in the present, we deserve to enjoy every bit of it.  Don't let the past haunt you and ruin your future. Let's begin again. Each day, we learn to forgive ourselves in hope we strive to be better. We can't fix what had to happen so we learn to accept the truth. You see, from my personal experience, i never saw the silver lining. But now that i do, i'm glad that i was put in that situation, for it has shaped the person i am today. Even when we think we've had our future all figured out, life can still surprise us. Even we can surprise ourselves. Here's a quote from my favourite series, Gossip Girl, "Our mistakes are ours alone to repeat or correct."  So be faithful, kind and hopeful to yourself. Let go of the past, and the past will let you go. 

Be selfish at times

Life is much better when you learn to put yourself first. It really does. Don't move mountains for those who wouldn't. Save yourself from potential heartbreaks. Over the years, i have always been putting myself out for people. I wouldn't say i'm selfless, but i can be one towards those i truly care for. But what a surprise knowing that people can still call you selfish when your intentions towards them have always been and felt pure. This is the part where i think being selfish is okay. It's okay if it's protecting you, enough is enough. It's time to mend yourself and build walls. Make rooms for those who can see you through, those who can be honest with you without hurting you, the ones that treat you as a priority, not an option. But for those who don't, be kind towards them, forgive them. But create a fine line between you and whoever that person(s) is, knowing that you don't have to keep them. 

Old friendship can be rekindled 

As John Leonard said, it takes a long time to grow an old friend. As we ride the journey of life, our circle of friends change over time. Friends are never constant. But as for someone who prefers her circle small, i know who my soulmate is. The one who can always accept me for being me. Time has definitely changed the things around us, even we as a person. But being able to reconnect as if nothing changes? Best feeling ever. I look forward to the day where fate will bring us together,  those friends that i crossed path with once. Each one of us met for a reason, either a lesson or a blessing or a curse? Okay not that. But if you found yourself surrounded with pure friends, please treasure them and treat them right. You are blessed with this joy of life where a friend like you and you and you are loved. 

Didi : Lost and Found

A historic day ; 6th January 2016

This was the last picture taken a few hours before she went missing

A chaos visit to Mesra Pet Shop, Taman Melawati at 1.07pm, Wednesday :

It was a hot sunny day on a wednesday just like the other days in Malaysia. I had to run a few errands before I took my cat, Didi to the vet. She has been showing mood swings like losing her appetite, hate to be around my family and i, shaking constantly and coarsely meow. So i thought it's time to bring her to the vet for the first time after 6 years. Her first visit was when she's a cute little baby. Having the lack of experience, not having a pet carrier, i put her in a open box (i know it's stupid) and put her at the backseat, i hold her while my sister was driving. In front of the vet, as i was carrying her to the door, she wobbled around and scratched me until i bleed. She then ran away and crossed the streets, she was lightning fast, i just couldn't keep up cause she made it to the other side.

Finding Didi :

So i put the box in front of the vet, it's still there lol. Then i went back home with my sister and told my mom. My mom and i went to find Didi under the hot weather around our neighbourhood. Calling her name out, meowing as if im a big cat, cause she crossed the road where there's a lot of cars near the school's traffic light area. But it turned out to be in vain, so we went back tiredly. I went back up to my room and slept.

Didi's mystery comeback :

After we went for grocery shopping, i was feeding my other cat, a siamese breed male, Jojo. Out of a sudden, Didi appeared from the back gate and looking around for food. I screamed my lungs out, out of gratefulness, alhamdulillah ya Allah. I gave her food, both dry and wet food, but she still refused to eat.

Didi's mysterious comeback! 

A second successful visit to Mesra Pet Shop, Taman Melawati at 7pm :

As i was worried that she's still moody and such, I borrowed a pet carrier from my friend Irfanah Imnaz, so nice of her! Thank you Irfyy, Didi was safe and sound all the way to the vet cause of the secure carrier hehe. As the vet is only located behind our housing area, we decided to walk and carry the fat drama cat.

The diagnosed:

In the vet, after registering, the Dr checked her temperature, but she said she was fine, her temperature is normal. But i know for a moment that her behaviour at home has been changing a lot lately, she gets so moody if i came nearby, she kept on shaking and refused to eat. The Dr said Didi was diagnosed more to anxiety and feeling scared, the reason why she kept on shaking and clump her claws on. I have always let Didi be free outside, so she might be attacked by the other cats, including Jojo or other things that she's scared of. The Dr fed wet food to Didi using a syringe cause she was still refusing to eat. I requested for an anti-flee treatment for Didi. Lastly, she was given a vitamin to help her gain her appetite and reduce stress.

Appreciation post :

To everyone who helped me retweet Didi's pictures and spread the awareness, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. To those who helped me repost on instagram and helped spread the news, thank you too. Now i clearly see and understand the meaning of "the power of social media"

Didi's latest update :

Didi is now slowly recovering, the vitamin really helped her to gain her appetite, she has stopped shaking from what i can see. I groom her everyday now, like i comb her fur. She is so much happier now, and that makes me even much more happier!

Thank you everyone for reading this special post about Didi! I wish you guys had fun reading this post, until next time :D

2016 Resolution

Hey 2016! I can't believe a year has passed and I'm a year older now. Im sure everyone has their new year resolution listed to a start of a new beginning, so here's my top 10 new year resolutions :

1. To be closer to god ; Having the golden opportunity to perform umrah with my family last year has widen my eyes, mind and heart on the truth of the Quran and all the teachings and sunnah from our beloved prophet Muhd saw (peace be upon him) 
2. To be a better daughter ; I am aware of my parents' age and i need to perform better in my studies and to clean the house always, the least i could do to repay them.
3. To control my anxiety better ; Some days my anxiety won, some days i won. But it's always a tough battle between us.
4. To give and to forgive more ; The giving hands are better than the receiving hands. A peaceful heart is always a warm feeling. 
5. To blog more ; I need to be on track, i've been missing for months and to start blogging again gave me a heavy feeling. 
6. To study harder and smarter ; I have been slacking off lately and it had affected my grades. I hope to always be patience with studying and to develop an eager enjoyment to learn more. 
7. To spend less ; I am grateful for all the rezeki god has given to me. I need to be aware that not everyone is fortunate, including the environment i live in. Spending less could at least save me from the whispers of lust.
8. To take care of my skin better ;  I have been stressing out here and there due to college, and it causes my skin to grow a lot more pimples. I'm using Clinique to treat my skin better! I am new to Clinique but so far so good.
9. To start working out ; This was my 2015 resolution, but i find it very hard to keep up. I tried a few routine for a week and failed miserably. In need to loosen those chubby cheeks!
10. To start my beauty blog and youtube channel ; I started my makeup channel on youtube last year but deleted all the videos because i wasn't fully equipped. 

Okay guys that's it! These are my 2016 resolutions, so far i have in mind. Comment below on your New Year resolutions, I'm so excited to read all of them. Happy new year to you readers, and thank you for stopping by :* 

Anxiety and Depression

Never knew i would fall into these two categories. I was always a bubbly little girl even until the early days of high school, never have i imagined to be anxious and depressed until i turned 16, and it continues until now. First I stress out on unnecessary thoughts, then it ball up to anxiety, and finally depression curl up. It's a mental health, and no that doesn't mean i lost my sanity or im suddenly crazy. You see, how is that possible that physical health worries people but mental health scares them. Mental health is severe, it could have affected your physical health.

Anxiety. A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks. In my case, it's hard to find the roots to anxiety, sometimes it came and simply triggers the uneasiness feelings, where I can't explain why i feel this certain way and it continues by ruining my daily routine. I can't sleep, i can't sit still, feeling suffocated, i don't feel like talking to anyone i know near me, i can't simply express words and thoughts properly,i lost focus in class, i don't know what i learn in class (even the simplest matter). All i want to do is to be isolated from the world, from everyone. I just want to hide my fear away and never talk. Those feelings won't wash away by themselves unless you deal with it, you do something with it. For me, i have always been confused with how it attacked me, but i know i need to find the roots, at least closest to why i feel stressed out until i isolate myself from the world. After solving my problems, suddenly depression came. I will feel depressed because i did not handle my anxiety well and chose to run away from it to be okay. Feeling depressed in a couple of weeks, one to two weeks. This is how it usually run. I will blame myself for letting anxiety conquer me and wishing i could be stronger. Feeling depressed cause i was always stubborn to reach out for help ; both modern and traditional, both involving science and spiritual beliefs. Feeling sad that i can't progress in the same pace as my friends when it comes to education.

During the depression mode, at some point, i will pick myself up, my faith usually save me. Because i believe if we fall, we are responsible to get back up on our knees. I will whisper to myself, to my own thoughts, a voice saying that this is just a test, a test that god wants to see how far you can go before returning to him. My heart will beat with a saying that this universe is so huge that a lot of people suffer too, we all suffer in different ways. Be strong for yourself, be grateful that you believe in your religion, be grateful that you have a supportive family, be grateful that you still have a shelter. Gradually all these thought will save me, because no one knows,in no time they could be taken away from you, lord knows.

But the conclusion is, i am not sure when this struggle will end. I want to be free from anxiety . I want to be independent, i want to see myself stable under pressure. I need to be wiser in decision making, i have to trust myself that i am good at something, and i just hope that the patience i have now is sufficient enough to keep me going. In the future, in hope that i make it, i will look back at this post, smiling and wishing to help out to those who still suffer and share my journey towards certainty. Remember, “Just because I can’t explain the feelings causing my anxiety, doesn’t make them less valid.” — Lauren Elizabeth