Hello, You. *You pun intended*
Here we are, page 365/365 of 2019. Honestly, that was quick! But don’t you think we say this every year haha. How was your year? I hope you had a good one. I personally did not enjoy this year, it's suffice to say that 2019 is just not my year. We all experience this right? One year we had a really good one, the next isn't. Anyway, Im writing this post to reflect on some really good life lessons that I will carry close to my heart.
From the very beginning, I went through a lot of emotional turmoil due to different factors. As a person, I care way too much about my family and close friends. When I see them in pain, I get affected too, especially when you don't have the power to change the situation. The first half of 2019 was tough because it was the start of my final year, I had a busy schedule and the units were not as easy as my previous encounters. I had breakdowns while doing my assignments, I experienced anxiety twice that semester and my performance was greatly impacted. But despite all that, nothing can compare to the disappointment I felt from the ones I love the most. Everyday, the colours fade, there was not a day I went through without hating to be where I was. I used distractions to keep me going but they were not enough, the situation did not get any better. I kept praying to God, desperately wanting a quick fix, so things would fall back to where they belong.
For the second half of the year, things got worse. I experienced my first ever heartbreak and oh my, it was the toughest thing I had to go through, it's a different type of pain, you feel it physically. Truthfully, I never really understood why people sort of change or adopt different behaviours when they got their heart broken until I went through one myself. The first three months of the breakup was THE WORST. The first month broke me to my core, I was not able to see things clearly, wasn't myself for a while. Being on a semester break was both good and bad to the experience. It was good cause I really needed time to pull myself together but it was bad because I had too much free time to entertain all those automatic negative thoughts. I couldn’t thank my parents and close friends enough for their endless support, for always picking up my calls, sobbing hard like I lost a husband. I kept blaming myself for how things turned out. You know why it’s hard? You lost what was once yours, something a part of you for years and suddenly, just like that you lost it all. There were days where I was okay only because I kept myself distracted but most of the days I would have just break into tears, no matter in private or in public. For someone with anxiety, I went through anxiety attacks twice, at the beginning and at the end of the semester, I had to seek for extra help. This went on and off until November where things seem clearer and I was also done with my last semester, I felt lifted, thinking that “Hey, with time, this doesn’t hurt that much anymore, it sure did at first but now it’s bearable”. During that month, hope came and “fixed” the situation but again, it slipped away and I was crushed. Surprisingly I picked up myself faster that time, took me a week to realize that I must trust this journey, that I should not begged for things to stay, I should learn to let go, I should be kinder to myself, allowing a new light to shine upon my self-worth. I also learn that sometimes you should stop explaining yourself or seeking for one, it’s just done. Done. So here I am 5 months later, completely fine, laughing at the thoughts of my ugly cries. It’s true what they say, once you are over it, well at least in the process of moving on, it will be worth it. The pain was worth it. If I didn’t go through this now, at a younger age, I will never know how to fully prepare myself for what the future holds. Moreover, I found myself again through the breakup, there’s just so many things I like about me, so many endless possibilities waiting to be explored! I like myself better.
In conclusion, yesterday’s love is not tomorrow's regret. *You know this if you are a fan of The Script*. Anyway, I really don't regret what we had, in fact I would like to thank this person for being my first love, for teaching me how to love, how to give and many more unspoken words that should be kept the way it is. Happy New Year guys! To 2020!
Much Love,
Sarah
