Life is for the living, but mine is living with anxiety. Do you realise how easy it was when we were kids? Everything seemed so smooth and well planned, but as we grow, we understand life has a meaning with the amount of efforts we put in. In my journey, I stumbled across anxiety, and the battle has long started.
Let's go to the phase where we feel worthless. Worthless because we never finish what we started, we give up before we try and we never solve our problems. These thoughts, they do come and pass by sometimes. They came and visit us to see how strong we are. In my religion, this could be considered a test, god is giving signals to turn back to him, he wants to see if this chosen one could get up and pray harder or fall apart and turn away from his beliefs. In this moment, we need to pause and reflect. Just stop for a while and think for yourself, is giving up really an option? or is it just a path to run away from the solutions? It's hard, I know it is, I've been there, and still am struggling, the hardest part is, no one understands what I am going through, this battle, as lonely as it feels, as tough as it is for me, I know Im not alone, I know because I reached out for help. Honestly, writing is meditating for me. When I write, I reflect. Reflection upon my journey will be reached out to my readers, might as well for those who feels alone in battling with anxiety.
I have always wished to be normal, normal here means to live without the fear of facing anxiety. I am currently reading a book by Rollo May "The meaning of anxiety" and hoping this book will be able to surpass the confusion and fear I have upon facing anxiety. It's even harder for me when the ones you trust the most demotivate you. I have not find a proper solution to this battle, but I want you to know that you are not alone. If possible, do reach out for help, fix your relationship with god, pray a little harder. These baby steps could at least help you to lower down your anxiety. I have always been a stubborn girl to not seek for help. Isolating myself has been a common action upon this battle. Sometimes it's full of rage and Im upset that I have to deal with it. I just want to let my family and friends know, this struggle is real, at times, you'll see how bad I fall, how stubborn and stupid I am, and you might think Im just letting my feelings and emotions control me, but it's beyond that, you don't understand what it's like to live with what has been a part of you.
A close friend of mine said "Everyone has their own battles, just because yours is different than theirs, doesn't mean it's silly" Behind those smiles, I know everyone is battling with something, regardless of categories. I know we all have been struggling, and as easy it is for some people to get up, some of us kept on falling. So Im telling myself, to be strong, when anxiety attacks, I need to pause and breathe. I have to reach out for help and to never isolate myself. You don't understand my battle and it really is okay. We live in the century of psychology, but Im going through the age of anxiety.
